Tonight I'm sitting here speechless. All I can feel is the pain of disappointment. I've been attempting to pull a load around lately that is physically impossible to move. I'm in this constant battle of control and surrender. The second I turned on Pandora (knowing I needed to just cry and let God carry me in this moment) the above song "be near" started playing. I haven't cried this hard in a while...whatever broke needed to. I got on Pinterest and started browsing around for scripture I could call on when instead I discovered this quote by The Offenders Wife.
"When we place our everything into the marriage, positive or negative, we will not be in a healthy place. God wants to be our everything. Period. Our marriage is suppose to come second."
No matter how many times I hear this or how differently it's worded...it always hits home. I am horrible at putting God before my marriage and parenting. I often ask myself WHY is it so hard to love my creator more than my husband and son? He loves it when I call on His name but most times it takes a train wreck in order to make me slow down long enough to hang.
As I listened to this song I got a mental picture of me as a little girl curled up in daddy God's arms, safe and secure. I want this feeling always. Not just on nights like tonight where I realize just how much I've been trying to do in my own strength.
God wants it all, to delight in our joy and not just spend time with us when we are hurting.
"You are all big and small
beautiful and wonderful
to trust in grace through faith